Dear McKoy: I Am Happily Married But I Love Going On The Down Low

Dear McKoy: I have been happily married to the sweetest woman for the past 14 years.  Our union blessed us with 2 children; 1 girl and 1 boy.  We are christians and we grow up our children on church principles.  I am also an Elder in the church.

During my earlier years going to college, I would admire the muscular guys who carried themselves well.  It was something about their muscles that attracted me.  Because of that, I started gym and bodybuilding.  I got so bulky and looked so good.  The ladies would drool over me but I preferred when the males would compliment my built.  I had to be very careful due to the homophobic black culture.  This sweet girl approached me one day at the college and we been rocking from then until now; that’s my wife.  We started attending the college chapel, got baptized then joined a church after college.  We got married a year later and then got my first daughter.

One night I was driving from work and I got detoured through a town in Florida.  I saw they had some male strip clubs so my curiosity got the better of me.  I stopped by one and there were some fine brothers on display; they were muscular, black, toned and well-oiled.  I could not stop looking at them then one came by me and asked me if I wanted to play.  I said why not, texted my wife that I would be running late then went to a back room.  He allowed me to rub on his toned muscles and that gave me goosebumps.  I did not have the courage to continue but he gave me his number to call him if I needed to talk.

I left immediately and started repenting.  When I got home and saw my wife and baby daughter in bed, I went into the shower and cried out my eyes.  I vowed not to do it again.  Couple months later, I was picking up some groceries when I saw the same guy from the strip.  He even looked better on the regular.  He remembered me and we started talking.  We went to a restaurant and talked about my curiosity.  He encouraged me to try it once and if I didn’t like it, then call it a tick off my bucket list.  We made arrangements to meet up and I tried it.  It was so good,  I could not believe it.  I wanted him close to me so I introduced him to my wife as my cousin.  He would stop by the house sometimes with or without my wife being present.  When she wasn’t home, we would get on at home.

I got my wife pregnant again and decided I would stop doing the wrong.  This time I got my son and I was so happy.  Then I started feeling sad because I was praying he did not grow up with tendencies like me.  I broke it off with ‘my “cousin” and was living right for like 3 years straight.  I told my wife my cousin left the state for work.  I felt clean and revived and got active in church.  That’s when I became an elder.  Life was going on so good.

This young guy started working at my job and he looked adorable.  He would eye me and smile but I fought the urge to respond.  One day I was in the men’s room when he entered.  When he saw we were alone, he bolted the door and came over to me and kissed me; I could not resist and I gave into him.  We started meeting each other at hotels and would sometimes go out of state on ‘business trips’.  The issue is that I think I am in love with him but I love my wife.  My wife told me the other day that she thinks I am having an affair but I deny it.  How can I admit to having an affair with a man?  I try to stop but I cannot.  This man even visits my church sometimes.  I am afraid that it will all come crashing down one day.


Dear O: It is clear that you are not happily married as you suggested; if so you would not have been cheating moreover with men.  It is not safe nor fair for you to be going with your wife and these men; she does not deserve that treatment. You need to tell your wife of the situation and allow her to make her decision; you don’t want the embarrassment and disappointment when things reach the open.  You should also renounce your position as Elder in the church as you cannot be serving 2 masters at the same time.

Ask Dear McKoy

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