Dear McKoy: My boyfriend is trying to blackmail me. He said if I don’t give him the money he asked for he is going to ensure my husband knows about us. My husband and I are both in our 40s and have been married for fifteen years. We also have two children who are in their teens.
Overall, I’d say that most of my marriage has been nice, but for the past few years, we have had some challenges. When I look at it, I believe my husband doesn’t really value me. It’s more like we are sister and brother, rather than a married couple because our sex life is completely dead.
About a year ago I met up with an old friend of mine, that I knew when we were in college. He is also married with kids. We exchanged numbers and we started flirting. He actually made me feel sexy and wanted again. We eventually started having an affair. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself; each time I attempted to break things off, it was like I’d made a pact with the devil.
Things took a turn for the worst when he started asking me for money. He started asking for smaller amounts, then the demands grew. I have given him over three hundred thousand so far and now he says he needs one hundred and fifty thousand to settle a loan. I keep telling him I can’t continue to withdraw money from our account because my husband will soon start questioning what I do with the money. Despite that, he is still pressuring me to give him money, otherwise, he is going to tell my husband about our affair. He doesn’t seem to care about my feeling and I feel hopelessly trapped. I don’t know what to do?
Mitchell
Dear Mitchell: Sorry to hear you put yourself in such a situation. This man is a cunning and deadly player. He appears to be devoid of empathy or conscience. Nothing but bad things will come out of this connection if you keep it going. You must sever all ties with him. Remember, he’s married as well, so he stands to lose just as much as you do.
Try speaking to him and ask what he will gain from exposing the affair. Nothing positive cant come out of it for him. If he still threatens to inform your husband, tell him that you will report him to the police. Blackmail is a criminal offense that is punishable by law.
If you have a legitimate fear that your husband will find out, I believe that you should be the one to inform your husband of the relationship. If something is going to come out, it’s best if it comes from you.
Although it is a risky and difficult decision to make, it provides an opportunity to discuss why the affair happened and the steps that can be taken to resolve the issues. On the other hand, your husband might decide to leave you or take a break from the marriage in order to decide whether or not to end the marriage permanently. If he doesn’t spill the beans, take the opportunity to work on your marriage. If your husband is willing to work with you to get things back on track, you should seek couples counseling. You are young and deserve a relationship with a healthy sex life.
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