Please do not share my name. I’m 19 years old living with my mother and stepfather from I was about 11 years of age.
My stepfather is all I know as a father, as I have never met my real father. And when I asked my mom about him she said I was a buck up baby, she doesn’t know who is my father.
I’m grown enough so I have forgiven her. But in the same instance, my life has been a constant misery.
From I was about 12 + my stepfather started molesting me. Whenever my mom Isn’t around he would give me oral sex then used his fingers to play with me. I never told my mom because I was too scared of what might happen.
I begged him to stop but it only got worse.
On my 16 birthday, he took me to the movies then to a motel on our way home where he then took my virginity. It was the most disgusting and traumatizing experience ever.
I still never told my mom because of my fears of what might happen. And when I do say I was going to tell my mom if he doesn’t stop he would threaten to kill me.
Now I’m 19 and I feel useless to myself. Sometimes I feel like killing myself because I know if I do tell my mom at this stage it will only break her down.
I have a 10-year-old sister and a 16-year-old brother. And now I’m in fear for my sister.
I made two attempts to kill myself but was rescued by my brother.
He treats us very well.
But I can’t live like this anymore. I just want to die.
Please help me.
I can see through your letter that you are going through a lot of pain, confusion and you are truly seeking direction—that’s why you have chosen to write. The first thing I want to address is your decision of wanting to kill yourself. There are many alternatives that you can take as opposing to kill yourself. I would recommend a few:
1. Seek a private confidant that you can express your feelings to. This person should be empathetic and should be able to understand what you are going to without choosing to judge or alienate you.
2. Seeking a private councilor or theraphist that can take you through the stages of dealing with such trauma and help you to be able to achieve mental peace.
3. Contact the Centre for Investigation of Sexual Offences and Child Abuse ( C.I.S.O.C.A ) for more legal guidance.
I want to encourage you also understand that while you are in fear, the highest duty you have is to yourself and your family. The fears you have as it relates to your younger sister may actually come to reality if you do not take a stand to encourage openness and bring the truth to reality swiftly.
Not speaking about your experience to persons in power may not help those who are now able to become victims like your sister. You can become an advocate to ensure that no one else feels the way you felt. You are able to build up yourself once again and take your feeling of uselessness by becoming someone else’s mentor who is going through what you are, because, sadly, you are not alone.
I want to encourage you to be courageous and give these words some deep thought.
I wish you the best.